October 18, 2018

 

Dear J,

Thank you for the long talk I just got to have with my Aunt.  I love hearing about her journey with You.  Oh how blessed we both are to be in relationship with You!

Yesterday was a crazy kind of day.  I spent way too much time in the game.  The alliance had a huge disagreement and I felt the need to try and play peacekeeper.  I do not know why I have this urge/need to try and fix problems.  It can be an exhausting endeavor.  Anyways, I came up with a plan to try to solve the issue so that it does not happen in the future.  But then I realized that I really did not want to have my days consumed with the game once again.  I know it is an addiction issue.  A compulsion.  I do so much better emotionally and physically when I don’t play.  Yet, there I was playing for 3/4 of my day.  I am reminded of quote:

“Insanity:  Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

I keep saying that I will play less, I will quit, or I will only play for 1 hour a day.  I have tried all of them to no avail.  I still get sucked into the drama and try to fix it.  Wake up call to self, “THE DRAMA CAN NOT BE FIXED BY YOU!”  So, stop trying.

The only thing that happens when I try to fix it is that I get exhausted.  I get frustrated.  I get sad.  I want to give up.  There is nothing positive about any of that…unfortunately.  I can’t seem to leave the game and I’m not sure why.  That is the reason for my saying that it is a compulsion/addiction.  I felt this same sense of helplessness and lack of control when I was an alcoholic/drug addict.  I guess since the game seemed innocuous in comparison, I have just refused to accept that it is an addiction.  So…I did something even stupider.

I made up an email that said horrible things about myself.  Now, I have a valid reason to quit the game.  A reason everyone can understand.  A reason that makes me feel like I am not betraying them by leaving.  As I write this, I know that it sounds completely absurd, J.  Please forgive me for being so weak that I had to lie by inventing an excuse to leave the game.  Forgive me for not having the strength to just walk away.  I am so concerned about what others think of me that I actually did something that makes me think less of myself.  And I know it also goes against everything You have tried to teach me.  I am sorry.  But if I am brutally honest…I would probably do it again if it meant not letting Mr. B down.  😦

Prayer: Dear Lord thank You for my Aunt and my relationship with her.  I thank that we both love Your Son.  I thank You that I can talk to her about You and the struggles that I have in my walk with You.  And I hope that she knows that she can talk to me about the same.

Please forgive me for lying to the members of my alliance.  For inventing a completely fabricated, false excuse for quitting the game.  Please help me to be stronger and to be able to say, “I quit” or “No” without having to lie.  In my heart, I know that I need to stop being a people pleaser.  The only person I need to please is You!  I spend way too much energy on trying to appease and please people.  This often puts me in direct contradiction with You and Your Word.  Forgive me for that.

I thank You that You are patient with me.  Picking me up when I stumble and holding me close when I fall.  I thank You that You never give up on.  No matter how far I run from You.  Or how much I try to push You away.  You are never farther than a whisper away.

Love,

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