October 18, 2018

 

Dear J,

Thank you for the long talk I just got to have with my Aunt.  I love hearing about her journey with You.  Oh how blessed we both are to be in relationship with You!

Yesterday was a crazy kind of day.  I spent way too much time in the game.  The alliance had a huge disagreement and I felt the need to try and play peacekeeper.  I do not know why I have this urge/need to try and fix problems.  It can be an exhausting endeavor.  Anyways, I came up with a plan to try to solve the issue so that it does not happen in the future.  But then I realized that I really did not want to have my days consumed with the game once again.  I know it is an addiction issue.  A compulsion.  I do so much better emotionally and physically when I don’t play.  Yet, there I was playing for 3/4 of my day.  I am reminded of quote:

“Insanity:  Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

I keep saying that I will play less, I will quit, or I will only play for 1 hour a day.  I have tried all of them to no avail.  I still get sucked into the drama and try to fix it.  Wake up call to self, “THE DRAMA CAN NOT BE FIXED BY YOU!”  So, stop trying.

The only thing that happens when I try to fix it is that I get exhausted.  I get frustrated.  I get sad.  I want to give up.  There is nothing positive about any of that…unfortunately.  I can’t seem to leave the game and I’m not sure why.  That is the reason for my saying that it is a compulsion/addiction.  I felt this same sense of helplessness and lack of control when I was an alcoholic/drug addict.  I guess since the game seemed innocuous in comparison, I have just refused to accept that it is an addiction.  So…I did something even stupider.

I made up an email that said horrible things about myself.  Now, I have a valid reason to quit the game.  A reason everyone can understand.  A reason that makes me feel like I am not betraying them by leaving.  As I write this, I know that it sounds completely absurd, J.  Please forgive me for being so weak that I had to lie by inventing an excuse to leave the game.  Forgive me for not having the strength to just walk away.  I am so concerned about what others think of me that I actually did something that makes me think less of myself.  And I know it also goes against everything You have tried to teach me.  I am sorry.  But if I am brutally honest…I would probably do it again if it meant not letting Mr. B down.  😦

Prayer: Dear Lord thank You for my Aunt and my relationship with her.  I thank that we both love Your Son.  I thank You that I can talk to her about You and the struggles that I have in my walk with You.  And I hope that she knows that she can talk to me about the same.

Please forgive me for lying to the members of my alliance.  For inventing a completely fabricated, false excuse for quitting the game.  Please help me to be stronger and to be able to say, “I quit” or “No” without having to lie.  In my heart, I know that I need to stop being a people pleaser.  The only person I need to please is You!  I spend way too much energy on trying to appease and please people.  This often puts me in direct contradiction with You and Your Word.  Forgive me for that.

I thank You that You are patient with me.  Picking me up when I stumble and holding me close when I fall.  I thank You that You never give up on.  No matter how far I run from You.  Or how much I try to push You away.  You are never farther than a whisper away.

Love,

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October 15, 2018

Dear J,

Today, I wanted to write something upbeat…something joyful.  But, I feel like a blanket of sadness has settled about my shoulders.

Nothing bad has happened.  I am not upset about anything.  Lately, I’ve just been getting these wave of sadness that wash over me.  Thankfully, they don’t last very long.  I just wish that they didn’t exist at all!

The darkness seeps in.
The inky stain soaks my pores
,
flooding out my joy.

That’s pretty much how it feels.  It’s like the dark sadness saturates my heart pushing out my joy.  But then the joy fights back!  It takes back the ground the sadness stole.  Once this happens, I feel like I am back to my normal self.

I’ve tried to pay attention and look for triggers.  However, there don’t seem to be any.  In fact, there doesn’t appear to be any rhyme nor reason to these waves.  They don’t happen when I am doing some specific activity.  They don’t happen when I am talking with one specific person.  All the places where I would think to look for triggers…they are not found.

I need your help here, J.  I know You know me even better than I know myself.  So I come to sit at Your feet.  Just like Mary did so long ago.  I believe that spending time in Your presence heals us in ways that we can’t even imagine.  As I write this letter to You, I know that You are already at work in my life.

Fixing what is broken.  Mending what has been bruised.  Healing me from the inside out.

Prayer:  Lord, first of all, thank You that I can come to You and pour out my heart.  That I don’t have to be Your “perfect” daughter.  That I can come to You with my good, bad, and ugly knowing that You will never love me less.  (I had to pause after writing that because of the awe I feel when I let that sink in).

Please help me to push back these waves of sadness that loom over my head.  Teach me ways to overcome them.  I know that nothing is too big for You.  When I hold Your hand, nothing can harm me.  Help me to walk with You through these waves.  So that I come out the other side stronger and having drawn closer to You.

I look forward to us walking together through these upcoming days.  I get a picture in my head of Jesus calming the storm.  Thank you for calming these waves of sadness.  Telling them to be still so that they dissipate.

Love,

Your daughter

October 13, 2018

Dear J,

Please forgive me for not spending much time with You lately.  I am better than anyone I know at finding ways to stay busy.  Silly, inconsequential things that eat up my entire day.  And then I reprimand myself for not making time to even say “Hello” to You.  Kind of a stupidly vicious cycle if I am to be honest.

The worst part is that I keep running to Mr. B to tell him all my fears and concerns instead of coming to You.  I know that I shouldn’t do that, but each day I do.  I am a fickle woman.

I have been fairly concerned of late about my memory, J.  It just doesn’t seem to be functioning properly these days.  I forgot what year my daughter was born the other day.  Thankfully, I remembered how old she was and did the math to figure it out.  But it kind of freaked me out a bit.  Then yesterday, I couldn’t remember my sign in information to sign into this blog.  I finally found it after going through my password book and checking all of my email accounts.  Again I was a bit freaked out.  What is going on?

I started really thinking/praying about it and these are some of the things that came to my mind.  Of course, silly me, ran and told Mr. B before I came to tell You.  BIG SIGH.  Anyways here is what came to me:

  • Never enough sleep
  • Low blood sugar
  • My body is constantly having to work hard to combat CKD, Fibromyalgia, chronic inflammation, allergies, and liver problems.  So without sleep and proper nutrition it makes it hard for my cognitive function to perform optimally.
  • Too much multi-tasking.  I am trying to do 50 million things at one time.
  • Be fully present in each task I am doing.  (e.g. if I am journaling don’t answer phone, read texts, answer texts, play games, etc)  Simply concentrate on one task at a time.
  • Meditate on the Word.  Use the Abide app to do a daily meditation.
  • Try to write You letters every day
  • Stop putting Mr. B before You
  • Finish reading Rhythms of Grace:  Discovering God’s Tempo For Your Life

Those are some tangible steps I can actually take, J.  I need to take better care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  And it all starts with spending more time with You.

 

Prayer:  Dear Lord please return to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.  I walk away from You way more than I should.  I know I have been called to walk a fine line between the world and You, but I tend to let myself be wooed by the world way too often.

Help me to fall in love with You all over again.  Create in my heart a desire to know You on an even deeper level than before.  Please help me to have healthy boundaries with Mr. B.  If it is Your will for me to end my relationship with him please give me a clear sign.  He is a good friend, but I want You to be #1 in my life and I often think I have place him in that position instead.  Forgive me for the times that I do that.

Please give me the strength to do those things that came to my mind, about my memory issues, that are from You.  Help me to take better care of myself spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

Thank you.

Love,
your daughter

Sinful Songs

was lost, but now found.
some days – i don’t want to walk on hallowed ground.
my flesh begs to be fed.
while imperfect thoughts find ways to be said.

i know right from wrong.
yet, still i sing my sinful songs.
when will my mind return to what’s pure?
to be honest, i’m not really sure.

let my heart burn to be only Yours.
teach me to resist the world’s tasty lures.
help me to find my way back to “good.”
because it’s what i want, not because i should.

© 2018 the daughter