October 15, 2018

Dear J,

Today, I wanted to write something upbeat…something joyful.  But, I feel like a blanket of sadness has settled about my shoulders.

Nothing bad has happened.  I am not upset about anything.  Lately, I’ve just been getting these wave of sadness that wash over me.  Thankfully, they don’t last very long.  I just wish that they didn’t exist at all!

The darkness seeps in.
The inky stain soaks my pores
flooding out my joy.

That’s pretty much how it feels.  It’s like the dark sadness saturates my heart pushing out my joy.  But then the joy fights back!  It takes back the ground the sadness stole.  Once this happens, I feel like I am back to my normal self.

I’ve tried to pay attention and look for triggers.  However, there don’t seem to be any.  In fact, there doesn’t appear to be any rhyme nor reason to these waves.  They don’t happen when I am doing some specific activity.  They don’t happen when I am talking with one specific person.  All the places where I would think to look for triggers…they are not found.

I need your help here, J.  I know You know me even better than I know myself.  So I come to sit at Your feet.  Just like Mary did so long ago.  I believe that spending time in Your presence heals us in ways that we can’t even imagine.  As I write this letter to You, I know that You are already at work in my life.

Fixing what is broken.  Mending what has been bruised.  Healing me from the inside out.

Prayer:  Lord, first of all, thank You that I can come to You and pour out my heart.  That I don’t have to be Your “perfect” daughter.  That I can come to You with my good, bad, and ugly knowing that You will never love me less.  (I had to pause after writing that because of the awe I feel when I let that sink in).

Please help me to push back these waves of sadness that loom over my head.  Teach me ways to overcome them.  I know that nothing is too big for You.  When I hold Your hand, nothing can harm me.  Help me to walk with You through these waves.  So that I come out the other side stronger and having drawn closer to You.

I look forward to us walking together through these upcoming days.  I get a picture in my head of Jesus calming the storm.  Thank you for calming these waves of sadness.  Telling them to be still so that they dissipate.


Your daughter

October 13, 2018

Dear J,

Please forgive me for not spending much time with You lately.  I am better than anyone I know at finding ways to stay busy.  Silly, inconsequential things that eat up my entire day.  And then I reprimand myself for not making time to even say “Hello” to You.  Kind of a stupidly vicious cycle if I am to be honest.

The worst part is that I keep running to Mr. B to tell him all my fears and concerns instead of coming to You.  I know that I shouldn’t do that, but each day I do.  I am a fickle woman.

I have been fairly concerned of late about my memory, J.  It just doesn’t seem to be functioning properly these days.  I forgot what year my daughter was born the other day.  Thankfully, I remembered how old she was and did the math to figure it out.  But it kind of freaked me out a bit.  Then yesterday, I couldn’t remember my sign in information to sign into this blog.  I finally found it after going through my password book and checking all of my email accounts.  Again I was a bit freaked out.  What is going on?

I started really thinking/praying about it and these are some of the things that came to my mind.  Of course, silly me, ran and told Mr. B before I came to tell You.  BIG SIGH.  Anyways here is what came to me:

  • Never enough sleep
  • Low blood sugar
  • My body is constantly having to work hard to combat CKD, Fibromyalgia, chronic inflammation, allergies, and liver problems.  So without sleep and proper nutrition it makes it hard for my cognitive function to perform optimally.
  • Too much multi-tasking.  I am trying to do 50 million things at one time.
  • Be fully present in each task I am doing.  (e.g. if I am journaling don’t answer phone, read texts, answer texts, play games, etc)  Simply concentrate on one task at a time.
  • Meditate on the Word.  Use the Abide app to do a daily meditation.
  • Try to write You letters every day
  • Stop putting Mr. B before You
  • Finish reading Rhythms of Grace:  Discovering God’s Tempo For Your Life

Those are some tangible steps I can actually take, J.  I need to take better care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  And it all starts with spending more time with You.


Prayer:  Dear Lord please return to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.  I walk away from You way more than I should.  I know I have been called to walk a fine line between the world and You, but I tend to let myself be wooed by the world way too often.

Help me to fall in love with You all over again.  Create in my heart a desire to know You on an even deeper level than before.  Please help me to have healthy boundaries with Mr. B.  If it is Your will for me to end my relationship with him please give me a clear sign.  He is a good friend, but I want You to be #1 in my life and I often think I have place him in that position instead.  Forgive me for the times that I do that.

Please give me the strength to do those things that came to my mind, about my memory issues, that are from You.  Help me to take better care of myself spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

Thank you.

your daughter

Sinful Songs

was lost, but now found.
some days – i don’t want to walk on hallowed ground.
my flesh begs to be fed.
while imperfect thoughts find ways to be said.

i know right from wrong.
yet, still i sing my sinful songs.
when will my mind return to what’s pure?
to be honest, i’m not really sure.

let my heart burn to be only Yours.
teach me to resist the world’s tasty lures.
help me to find my way back to “good.”
because it’s what i want, not because i should.

© 2018 the daughter

God’s Tempo

I just started reading Rhythms of Grace: Discovering God’s Tempo For Your Life. Oh my goodness, I think the author has been spying on me!! LOL

It’s like every word she has written was specifically written for me for this exact moment in my life.

I am so thankful that this book arrived on my doorstep in my monthly Faithbox package. You gotta love God’s perfect timing!!

A Sad Goodbye

A week without a word.
Silent, not a voice heard.

I am tempted to write,
But I can’t, so I fight.
The urge to contact him.
In time, this too shall dim.

It’s best for him…and me.
Time and space sets us free.
It is hard letting go.
And painful, this is know.

So, now with a sad sigh.
Eyes closed, I say goodbye.

(c) 2018 the daughter. photo credit: google.com

Seek & Find

There’s nothing i can say
When you give yourself away
Walking alone in the grey

There is a price that is paid
As thoughts and hopes fade
And the enemy’s record is played.

My friend stop being blind.
Seek and you will find,
Your God, gentle and kind.

You were born to be free.
One day soon you shall see,
The woman God meant you to be.

© 2018 the daughter